This is the essay my 14 year old wrote about his struggle to control his OCD and get a handle on the anxiety that comes with it.
I
used to believe that I was stupid, worthless, and beyond hope. I was
so depressed I could barely get out of bed every morning. I couldn't
imagine being happy again. I couldn't believe that there was ever going
to be a time in my life when I felt good about myself. I was ten years
old and I felt like my whole life was pointless. It might be hard to
imagine a ten year old feeling that way, but I assure you, things were
that bleak for a while. I had a very hard time believing in myself and
having the confidence to work my way out of the things. I have ADHD
(Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). You might be thinking, “Big
Deal, lots of kids have ADHD and they are perfectly happy kids who get
out of bed every morning and have great lives”. This is true, but it is
what comes along with my ADHD that makes life just a little more
interesting. Because what I have can't be seen in an x-ray, or shown
on a medical test, some times people have had a hard time believing me
when I say I am having trouble. In addition to my ADHD I have OCD,
(Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). OCD makes me worry, it makes me
anxious. If you look at me you would never guess that I have ADHD or
OCD. I also have Sensory Integration Disorder. SID makes it hard for
your brain to sort out all the signals that are coming to it at the same
time. It makes you even more frustrated, because you can't understand
how something is “supposed to be normally”. The three things together
can make you one confused kid. Looking at me, you would never guess
that just four years ago I had to leave school for a while and figure
out how to make things work. I had to learn how to believe in myself. I
had to learn to believe that everything would be okay again. I had to
learn to believe that my dreams could come true. I had to learn how to
inspire myself.
My big dream is to become a Marine Biologist. Before I can even
think about that I have to make some smaller dreams come true along the
way. I used to dream that I could be just like all the other kids in
my class. By that I mean that it was a dream to me to be able to get
through a week without having to be sent home for a behavior problem. I
had a very hard time separating my anxiety about something that might
happen from what was really happening around me. I would begin to worry
and before I knew it I was angry and frustrated about things that
no-one but I understood. I wasn't even able to explain why I was so
worried. Things that were very real to me seemed trivial or silly to
people around me. For example, one day, a classmate told me that they
were going to “get rid of Sonic the Hedgehog”. That may seem like a
very small thing to someone else, but to me it was a horrible blow. One
of the few things that made me happy during that time in my life was
playing video games. I worried about this all day long, the next time
someone said something about Sonic I really lost my cool and had a full
blown panic attack. I was actually physically ill about the idea. It
took me a long time and a lot of work to be able realize my dream of
making it through a whole week of school without having to go home
early, but I did make that dream come true. I had another dream that I
would be able to go to school and not have anyone know that I had an
issue with anxiety. These days it seems like everyone has ADD or ADHD,
so that is not such a big deal, but not that many kids (or adults)
understand OCD and the effects it can have on the way you deal with
people and situations. I just wanted everyone to think of me as a
normal kid who was a little spacey every now and then.
When I was ten school was torture, I would dread Mondays so much that
I would make myself sick to my stomach on Sunday night. I would dream
of summer vacation, snow days, and natural disasters that would keep me
from going to school. I wanted another Ice Storm so badly I could close
my eyes and imagine it. My life today is totally different. Some of
the kids I have class with know that I have ADHD and that sometimes I do
things a little differently. I stand in class sometimes to help me
focus better, I type sometimes instead of writing, and sometimes I have
to leave the room if it gets too loud or chaotic. They just accept that
as part of who I am, no one thinks anything of it. Most of my
classmates are extremely helpful and encouraging. That is another dream
fulfilled.
Step by step, and small dream by small dream I am working my way
towards my big dream of being a Marine Biologist. This summer I took a
big step toward making that dream come true by taking a S.C.U.B.A.
diving class. I love being surrounded by water. It is so peaceful in
the water, one of the few places in the world I can find true peace and
quiet. This class helped inspire me to move forward toward my dream.
Becoming a Marine Biologist will require not just a college degree, but
eventually a PhD. Just a few years ago I didn't believe I would get out
of fourth grade, and now I am inspired to go to Graduate School.
I am inspired by things around me, and I have been inspired by the
people who helped me get to this point, but I think my greatest
accomplishment has been learning to inspire myself. When I think about
how far I have come in just a few years, I am very proud of myself. I
have worked hard to learn how to talk to myself in a positive way. I
have learned how to keep my worry and anxiety under control when it
seems like they might take over. I still have rough days, but when I
look back on that ten year old who honestly didn't want to get out of
bed for a couple of months I am inspired to realize that he is now a
happy, friendly, person whom people like . If somewhere along the way I
happen to inspire someone else who has had a problem like mine and is
having a hard time finding their way to their dreams, that would be
great, but right now, it is enough for me to be able to tell myself that
everything is going to be okay. A few years ago I couldn't believe
that, whether it came from my parents, teachers, or doctors. The boy
that dreamed of natural disasters to keep him home from school now
dreams of Graduate School, the boy who dreamed of having a friend now
dreams of what they will do together next. Now the voice telling me
everything is okay, and that my dreams are in reach is my own, that is
inspiring, that is my dream come true.
